A BandAid Fixes Everything
by Potato-Princess
Summary: A crossover between Samurai Troopers and the English dub. Sound scary? It is. Rated for Yaoi, language, potatoes, and the horrors of Ez cheese. Hail the Magic Moose! (Formerly titled"A DUMB STORY")
1. The HorrorThe HORROR!

A Quest to Kill Simone 

WARNING- MAY CONTAIN YAOI, RANDOM INSANITY, AND YULI BASHING.

Dedicated to everyone who hates Yuli, Paul Dobson's voice, and loves the Masho.

A Samurai troopers fic. 

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except 3 potatoes. In  a few days, I won't even own that much. Don't sue.

Ryo = Ryo Sanada

Rowen = Toma Hashiba

Sage = Seiji Date

Cye = Shin Mouri

Kento = Shu Le Faun

Anubis = Oni Masho Shuten Douji

Dais = Gen Masho Rajura

Cale = Yami Masho Anubis

Seckmet = Doku Masho Naaza

Chapter 1 "The Voice"

            The scream echoed throughout the netherworld. The pure, tortured scream of someone who is being burned alive, eaten by wild animals, or, more exactly, the scream of a person who is watching the _Samurai Trooper's_ English dub.

            Shuten was curled up into a trembling ball. His spine twisted with every word that, that _thing_ uttered. Its voice…their voices…he threw up as Anubis came on the screen. Shuten's ears burned like any other human's would. 

"Lady Kayura, you're free now."

            That wasn't the worst of it. Yuli came on screen. Yuli opened his mouth and…Shuten passed out before the prolonged exposure to Yuli killed him. 

The other three Masho jumped as they heard the scream. 

"Who was that!"

Naaza shrugged. "It was definently a feminine shriek, but there aren't any girls here."

The other two looked at each other.

"Shuten!"

"And you actually lived through it!" The other Masho were incredulous. Sure, there had been rumors, but never any documented proof that someone had actually survived watching the Ronin Warriors. Shuten nodded, still pale and shaking. 

"You're an idiot," Naaza said, "A stupid brat and I think Aragosama made a big mistake in choosing you. Watching the English dub…and I thought the author of this fic was dumb!"

A grand piano materialized above Naaza's head.

"Umm…just kidding, Simone, you're a great author, really talented…"

OF COURSE I AM! NOTE THAT YOU DON"T GET TO TALK IN CAPITAL LETTERS WITHOUT QUOTATION MARKS!

The piano fell on him anyway.

_*NOTE- there are legends of two people who are supposed to have lived through the dub. Charlie, because she laughed through the whole thing, and Simone because she's just crazy that way. The existence of these two, however, has not been scientifically proven as they wish to avoid being shipped back to their home planet, Planet Glomp._

            "RAJURA!" Rajura opened his eyes to find the Oni Masho staring at him. 

"What is it! Shuten, it's two o' clock in the morning!" 

"I'm scared."

Rajura sighed. "Shuten, you're four hundred and something years old and you're freaking out over a nightmare!"

Shuten's lip quivered. "It was him! He smiled and he talked and he laughedandhe

soundedsosacaryanhewas…"

The words faded into gibberish and Rajura was forced to slap him to get him to shut up.

"So what's your point?"

Shuten looked down at the floor and dug his toe into the carpet. 

"Can I sleep here tonight, please?"

            Rajura sighed, again. _You've done it before. Remember when you were drunk and we…oh. You were drunk. I am so glad you don't know what I am thinking… "If I say no, you're going to cry, right? And then you'll most likely sit outside my door and sneak in as soon as I fall asleep."_

Shuten nodded. _Man this guy is smart! "Yeah."_

"Okay, but don't count on it in the future."

"Yippee!"

"And Naaza and Anubis are not going to know about this, right?"

"Right."

A black vortex appeared where the video lay in Shuten's room

At the Koji household things were hectic to say the least. 

            "Mia! Ryo was trying to get White Blaze to eat me again!" 

            "Ryo! How many times have I told you that no creature is that desperate for food!

             Yuli smiled. "Yeah! No creature's that desperate for…hey!"

            Mia continued slicing carrots, pretending that each one was the little brat's head. Yuli decided that Ryo was being grouchy and decided to harass her instead. 

"Can I help?"

_Go back home, you little freeloader. _"No."

"Awww, but I really want to!"

Mia gritted her teeth. "Okay, Yuli, you can help. You know where the lake is?"

Yuli nodded.

"Alright. See, Ryo lost one of his tennis shoes when they were out boating and he really wants it back. It was very, very special to him, but now it's in the middle of the lake. If you get it for him, he'll be so happy. He might even adopt you."

Yuli's eyes watered with happiness and the seasonal allergies that always bothered him around this time of the year. He blew his nose on Mia's curtains.

"But how do I get down there?"

" Take a boat to the middle of the lake. Take a huge boulder-you might want to ask Kento- and tie yourself securely to it. Then cut a hole in the boat so it sinks to the bottom and you can grab the tennis shoe!"

Yuli looked suspicious. "How will I get back up?"

Mia was surprised that Yuli was that intelligent. " The shoe is, uh, magical and it will, um make you float back up."

Yuli skipped merrily out the door to get the non-existent shoe and did what Mia told him to. As he was about to jump in, however, he was sucked into an evil black vortex and transported to the world of the Samurai Troopers.

 The door to Rajura's room was flung open. Naaza turned around and locked it. 

"Rajura? This is kinda important…"

Naaza sighed. He hated waking up the others because, well, they normally didn't really want him to touch them. Rajura had personally threatened to rip out his throat if he ever woke him up.

_Don't freak out now! _He chided himself. _You kind of have to let the others know._

"What ever is the matter Naaza? You better hope it's important."

Naaza jumped. "There's something out there. It came out of Shuten's room and it, it tried to hug me."

Rajura shuddered. _Gods! The thing must be deranged, trying to hug Naaza. _

"You sure?"

Naaza nodded.

"Sure about what?" Rajura glared at Shuten. _Great, Naaza will never shut up about this! _ Naaza's momentary look of surprise was replaced by a smirk. He looked at Shuten, then at Rajura. Rajura knew what he was thinking.

"Sorry if I _intruded. I didn't exactly know. Of course, if you guys were um, fu-_

"SHUT UP YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE!"

"…eachother I'm sorry to interrupt. I probably ruined the whole mood and all…"

Rajura turned scarlet. Shuten looked faintly amused. Somewhere in Africa a monkey ate a banana.

A pounding on the door interrupted the awkward silence that was beginning to follow.

"IT'S COMING! LET ME IN!"

Naaza opened the door to let the Yami Masho in.

"It's out there. It tried to glomp me.'

"Calm down! Who did it?"

"An evil, bad smelling little loser. It was evil, Naaza. It smiled an evil snotty smile! It-" Anubis stopped as he noticed Shuten. He noticed then that Shuten was in Rajura's bed. The Yami Masho threw a questioning glance at Naaza, who nodded.

"Oh. Were you two in the middle of something?" 

"NO!"

"Okay, okay, I was just finding it odd that you two were lovers that's all…"

_I wish…_"WE'RE NOT @#$%-ING LOVER'S"

Naaza whispered to Anubis, who laughed.

"One night stand?"

Rajura was just going to strangle them both when he heard something down the hall. It was speaking English, he noted with surprise. And its voice sent a shudder of dread down his spine. Shuten turned white.

Rajura started. "Its Yuli."

"Who?"

"Yuli. From the Ronin Warriors."

Shuten fainted. Naaza and Anubis looked at eachother. 

"Not much of a leader, is he? Why did Arago choose him?"

Rajura glared at them. " Do you guys understand what I just said? Its Yuli out there! Yuli!"

"Yeah, we heard you the first fifty times," Naaza muttered under his breath, but inside he was worried. _What if it is Yuli? What if it came here? _

"Yuli's not real! He's from a stupid tv show!

"Well, you tell me what it looks like!

"Fine."

Naaza opened the door.

"Nothing's out here!"

"You sure? Check down the hall."

Naaza swallowed nervously. "All right."

He never remembered the hall being so dark before. Or so long. _Nothing's down here, nothing's down here…Naaza heard the sound of a door being locked and the sound of a certain red-haired Masho laughing. He was locked out. _

"Damn you Shuten! Let me in! Rajura, Anubis make him open the door!"

"Why Naaza? Scared? Gonna piss yourself?"

"Shuten!"

"Watcha doin? Where's Ryo? I'm cold! I'm tired! I need to go potty! I wanna play with White Blaze! Will you be my friend?"

Naaza turned around slowly, very slowly. He saw Yuli. He stared. He continued seeing Yuli. Almost as slowly as it took for him to turn around, the message began to sink in. Yuli was real. He was real and right in front of him. Naaza screamed in terror like a little wussy kid.

"Why ya screamin like that?"

Naaza, who did not understand one word of English, whimpered quietly.

"You don't like me!" Yuli's horrible eyes began to fill with tears. The brat's body shook. He opened his mouth and wailed like a banshee.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Naaza covered his ears. "Yamino! Please, please, please don't do that again."

Yuli stared at him. He did not understand one word of Japanese, but got the drift of what he was saying. 

"You're Canadian, aren't you?" Yuli sighed. "I don't speak Canadianish. We can still be friends, though. Right? Understand?" Yuli extended one snot-covered hand in a token of friendship. Naaza tried not to throw up. 

"Rajura. It's talking to me. What do I do?"

"Just stay calm. I'll think of something. Oh, wait, what did you say about me and Shuten again?"

" Alright! I'm sorry. Now will you help me?"

He heard Shuten laugh. "Oh, you'll be sorry all right. I'm sure you'll be sorry when Yuli forces you to spend some quality time with him…he could be your new best friend…"

"Shuten!"

"Naaza!"

"Please, Shuten!" Naaza heard laughter from the other side of the door. Then he saw Yuli coming towards him, arms outstretched. He closed his eyes. Nothing happened. Slowly, he glanced at Yuli. 

Yuli lay there with a chain running through his body. Naaza didn't have to look to know that it was Shuten's handiwork. Shuten used his foot to gingerly slide the corpse off the chain. He turned to Naaza and held out the kusari gama.

"You're cleaning this."

"S-sure."

They went back to Rajura's room to argue about who had to dispose of the body.


	2. A BandAid Fixes Everything

Chapter II  
A Band Aid Fixes Everything  
  
Everyone went back to their own rooms. They had decided to leave the corpse and have some netherworld soldier pick it up. The Masho all were sure that it contained a deadly disease and none of them were to keen on getting near Yuli anyway. So the body lay out in the hall until the next morning. Slowly it sat up. Yuli pulled out his trusty stash of Band-Aids. "A Band Aid fixes everything!" And with that, he was on his feet to find the Masho.  
  
Shuten woke up. Normally, this would not have been much to comment on, but he was being woken up by an extremely frightened Doku Masho. "What's going on." Shuten began, but his eyes closed and he fell back on the bed, dead asleep. Naaza sighed and pushed him off the bed. He then began kicking him until Shuten opened his eyes. "Okay, okay, I'm awake!" "It's gone, Shuten. It's not there anymore!" "Huh?" "Yuli's no longer in the hallway and nobody got rid of it yet." Shuten blinked. "So its alive out there? How in all hell did it live through that!" Naaza shrugged. "The point is that it's somewhere in the castle." "Do the others know?" "Duh. You think I'd tell you first?" "Naaza, shut up or I won't save your ass next time." "Well, we need a plan." They both went to confer with Rajura and Anubis.  
  
"Alright. So what do we know about Yuli?"  
"He's the spawn of evil."  
"He's ugly and smells bad."  
"He drips snot everywhere."  
Rajura sighed, exasperated. "What else do we know about Yuli? Stuff that could help us get rid of him." "He's the spawn of evil."  
"He's really ugly and smells bad."  
"He drips snot everywhere."  
"WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT!"  
Rajura looked at Shuten. "You've seen the show. What are his weaknesses?"  
"Umm, he really likes this guy named Ryo. He looks a heck of a lot like Ryo Sanada, too."  
"Well, it is a parallel world to ours, stupid."  
The other Masho looked at Rajura. "Uh, what's a parallel world?"  
"Nevermind. So he likes Ryo."  
"Yeah. He also likes the other ronins."  
"So we could just give him to the Troopers. He shouldn't be able to tell the difference for a while and when he does, he's outside the netherworld gates." "So we need someone to give him to the Troopers." "But who?" "Well, he'd have to be stupid and/or expendable. Oblivious and easy to be manipulated, a plus."  
  
Shuten always wondered how people managed to talk him into doing stupid things like this. They are so going to be in my debt for this.oh well, maybe he'll end up killing the Troopers and I'll get all the credit... but come on, is this really worth it? The blood trail was easy to follow. So was the trail of snot and Band-Aid wrappers. Shuten found the whole thing utterly repulsive. Eeeww! Its snot is green, actually green! He paused as he heard off-key humming down the hall. The voice sounded strangely familiar.  
  
Oh, me and Ryo are the bestest of friends  
We like to chill and play together  
He thinks I'm cool and we hang out  
In all kinds of weather  
  
I love to glomp my Ryo  
I do it every day  
Sometimes he punches me and cusses me out  
But I know he loves me anyway!  
  
Lalalalalalalalalala  
Ryo!  
Lalalalalalalalalala  
Bestest friends  
Lalalalalalalalala  
Together  
  
Shuten stared at Yuli. Please don't let this kid get a record label. He made an attempt to sneak up on the little weirdo but well, let's just say that stealth was not one of his strongest abilities. He tripped and landed at Yuli's feet. Yuli turned around with a scream and dropped the picture of Ryo he had been holding. Shuten noticed that Yuli had pasted a picture of himself next to Ryo. This kid's got some issues. "WAAAAAAAAHHHHH! WHY YA SNEAKIN UP ON ME? WHAT IS WITH YOU CANADIANS? YOU'RE ALL MEANIE HEADS!" Shuten didn't really speak English very well, but he knew enough to understand what Yuli was saying. He wasn't really sure what "Canadian" and "meanie head" meant, but it was clear that he had scared Yuli shitless. That thought made him smile, though he quickly changed it to a smirk so Yuli wouldn't think that he was his friend. Don't let it touch me, don't let it touch me, don't let it touch me.why is it crying? "Shut up you whiny little creep!" Yuli stared at him in surprise. "What?" "I said shut up!" "So you're not a Canadian? Wow! Did you come here to be my friend? I can show you my Ryo picture collection and we can play Twister and Monopoly and eat Easy Cheese." "Do you not know what 'shut up' is? " Shuten didn't mention that he understood next to nothing of what Yuli just said. "Yeah, my friend Ryo says it all the time. And why do you talk funny? Are you from a different country? Did you come from another planet? Are you just mentally retarded and can't speak right? Its okay you know, I'm mentally retarded too! Wow! We can start a support group together! It'll be fun and." Shuten stared at Yuli blankly, ironically making him look mentally deficit.  
  
"Could you repeat slower?" Yuli opened his mouth. "No! Wait, is okay, you no need to repeat it, please do not repeat it." Shuten stumbled over the strange words and really wished Yuli would back away a few steps. Rajura should have done this. At least he knows English! Stupid language anyway. "Yuli, come with me. Wakarimasu ka? You understand?" "Where are we goin' to?" Shuten looked at him blankly. Yuli sighed. "Where to?" Yuli pantomimed the sentence. "We, um, going to go, uh, find Ryo." He made sure that he pronounced the name correctly. Rye-oh. Weird. Shuten started walking away. Yuli ran after him. Shuten turned around. "Do not touch me. I kill, uh, I will kill you." Why can't it just fall over and die? Yuli looked unconcerned but Shuten noticed his hand reach protectively for the Band-Aids.  
  
The other Masho just looked at Yuli. One by one, though, their eyes began to burn and/or water so they stopped. Yuli began to look at them fondly. Here was an opportunity to make new friends. He saw Naaza and smiled at him. "Hi Mr. Canadian dude!" Naaza backed away from him like most people do when confronted by a savage animal. Yuli pretended not to notice. He must just be shy. He turned to Anubis. "Hi! My name is Yuli and I want to be your friend." Yuli held out his hand. Anubis looked disgustedly at him. The kid had a Band-Aid wrapper encrusted in the snot on his hand. Yuli persisted. I bet they're not used to shaking hands in Canada. Naaza came over and pulled out a small spray bottle. The liquid hit Yuli right in the eyes. "Hi Mr. Canadian- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My eyes! Someone help me! OWWWWWWW!" Naaza grabbed a sword and knocked Yuli's Band-Aid box out of his reach. "Someone please get my Band-Aids! Hurry!" Naaza giggled with supreme self-satisfaction as he watched Yuli's eyes turn into frothy liquid and run down his face. The others turned slightly green. Yuli ran screaming around the room. Naaza opened the window and placed a box a ways in front of it. He rattled the box of Band-Aids. Yuli took the bait. He ran with outstretched arms to the sound, tripped over the box, and fell headfirst out the window. A peaceful silence filled the room. There was no way the kid could survive that. Naaza left the room and went outside to look at Yuli's broken body. The others followed. It lay perfectly still under the window. A very good sign. Naaza poked it with one of his swords. A dribble of poison ran down the sword and burned a hole in Yuli's arm. Everyone smiled, albeit nervously. They all were thinking the same thing. What if it's still alive? As if in reply, Yuli groaned and twitched a bit. "Must.have.Band-Aid." The Masho looked in horror. Naaza pulled a small vial of something out of seemingly nowhere and dropped it next to Yuli. Yuli weakly grabbed the vial and drank it off in a single gulp. "Thanks.friend." Naaza smiled. "Do itashimashte." Shuten was amazed that Yuli was so trusting. Personally, he would never go around drinking strange concoctions from people he didn't know. Especially potions from the Doku Masho. (Doku means poison or venom for those of you who don't know.) So, Shuten wasn't all that surprised when Yuli's face contorted and his body went into spasms. Anubis spit on him. Rajura lit him on fire. Shuten lit the Band-Aid box on fire. Everyone laughed. There was no way that he would make it this time.  
The Masho left the body, had one hell of party, got drunk, and forgot about Yuli for the time being. They didn't realize that one Band-Aid had escaped the fire.  
  
Shuten woke up. He had a strange feeling that the author would mention this everytime he did, even though they could probably use context to figure out if he was. Of course, that was not the immediate problem. Shuten was rather surprised to wake up in Rajura's room. He didn't remember asking to be there. Come to think of it, he didn't remember much of last night. All this confusion made his hangover worse, so he decided to sleep it off.  
Rajura woke up five minutes afterward. He also didn't really remember much of last night, but he could guess what had happened. There were several clues as to what had happened. Shuten was in his bed. He had a hangover, so he probably was really drunk last night. That would explain his not being able to remember what had happened. Shuten was curled up next to him.  
Yes, Rajura could guess what had happened. He really didn't want to think about it either. He really hoped he could think of some lie to tell Shuten when he woke up. Or else, get him really drunk and screw him. The second prospect was extremely tempting. Unfortunately, Naaza walked in at that exact moment. Rajura wondered if the author enjoyed doing this to him. He began to envision slowly strangling Simone. Yeah. That would serve her right.  
Naaza stared. He stared some more. He continued staring. Somewhere in America, a person named Simone ate a potato. It was a good potato. Yum. But the point was that Naaza was staring at Rajura. Rajura thought fast.  
"It's not what you think."  
"Oh, yeah right. You two are in the same bed and he has a good half- dozen hickeys. And you want me to believe nothing's going on between you two?"  
"We're not lovers, okay?"  
Naaza laughed. His eyes narrowed.  
Shuten sat up. "What's going on?"  
"Take a good guess."  
"Uh, I think I already have."  
It was definently not a good moment for Yuli to show up.  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY DID YOU GUYS LEAVE ME ALL ALONE AND BURN MY BAND-AID BOX? WHY? YOU GUYS DON'T LOVE ME! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"  
Naaza's mouth hung slightly open. It's alive. It's supposed to be dead. Why isn't it dead! How does it manage to live through all of this? He started shaking. I'll never get away from it, it's always going to follow me forever and forever and forever and forever.And I'll die and it will still be there, laughing and laughing and.  
Yuli had a bandage over one eye. The three Masho noticed that Yuli's other eye was perfectly intact. Naaza was rocking back and forth on his heels, crying like a two- year old. Rajura looked worried. Great, out of all the times to snap.  
Yuli looked amazed at the Doku Masho.  
"Why ya crying like that, Mr. Canadian dude? I'm okay."  
Yuli took a step toward him. Naaza screamed and began sobbing uncontrollably. Yuli took a few steps backward.  
"Okay."  
Shuten had an idea at that exact moment, an idea that would surely get rid of Yuli. They had thought about sending him to the Samurai Troopers. Why not? And he knew the perfect way to do it; all he needed was someone who knew English.He walked over to Rajura and told him his plan. Rajura turned to Yuli, attempting to mask the revulsion he felt. Yuli looked at Naaza. "Why is he crying?"  
Rajura smiled at Yuli. He was an expert at lying.  
"He wants you to be happy."  
"What?"  
Rajura nodded, trying hard not to laugh.  
"He wants you to be able to go back home and be with your friends. He feels bad that you're stuck here.  
"Oh."  
"I have an idea though. You could put yourself in a big box and mail yourself back home. I'll even give you a note explaining what happened so you can prove that this happened."  
Yuli looked hard at him. Something didn't sound right.  
"Really?"  
"Yes. You can trust me. I just want to help you, Yuli. You seem like a nice kid."  
Rajura struggled to say the last bit with a straight face.  
"Okay. I'll do it!"  
Rajura found a large cardboard box and Yuli crawled in with a note in his hand. He and Shuten began duct-taping the box shut. Anubis came by and was all too glad to help. Rajura dropped the box off inside Naste's jeep. They watched it through the screen in Arago's audience room. 


	3. The Gift That Nobody Ever Wanted

Chapter 3  
The Gift That Nobody Ever Wanted  
  
Seiji opened Naste's jeep to grab his beauty bag. Every morning, without fail, he would brush and gel his hair to perfection. Sometimes, depending on how much he slept the night before, he would even use a little base to mask those dark circles. A bit of eyeshadow couldn't hurt. And occasionally, he felt that his lips could use a little gloss. Yes, Seiji was one masculine warrior.  
As he set the bag back down in its hiding place he noticed a package. It was meticulously wrapped and addressed simply to "The Irritating Little Troopers." Seiji smiled. At least it wasn't addressed to him. Irritating? Hmm.Well, they obviously must have meant Shu and Ryo.  
"Naste, Ryo and Shu have a package here."  
Naste looked at him. "Umm, Seiji? I don't recall having a package in my car for them."  
" Naste, its right here."  
She went over to look. "Well, that's definently a package."  
"So what do we do with it?"  
"Give it to them, of course."  
"Ryo! Shu! You have a package!"  
Ryo and Shu walked over to the jeep. Shu elbowed Ryo.  
"Hope its doughnuts." "Are you always hungry?"  
"It's not my fault."  
Shu lifted the package and set it on the ground. Ryo carefully removed the wrapping paper. Shu removed the chain. Together they removed the many layers of duct-tape and opened the box.  
AND YULI WAS FREE!  
With a squeal of utmost delight, Yuli rushed over to Ryo and began frantically humping his leg as a sign of adoration.  
"Ryo!"  
Ryo shook his leg in panic but the thing would not let go.  
"What the hell are you!"  
Seiji looked closely at Yuli.  
"He looks like a replica of Jun!"  
"What!"  
But it was true. Even Jun had to agree that the horny little bastard on Ryo's leg did look uncommonly like him. Freakishly like him.  
"Somebody get it off! Get it off!"  
  
Back in the Youjenkai, the Masho laughed their evil little asses off.  
  
After about an hour, the Troopers managed to pry Yuli off Ryo's leg. They also managed to pry the note out of the thing's hands. Naste began reading it out loud.  
  
To Rekka, Tenku, Korin, Seiko, and Kongo  
  
Hope it gives you hell. Bet you wished you joined us when you had the chance.  
  
Your worst enemies,  
The Yon Masho  
  
PS. Wasn't the wrapping paper just adorable? ^_^  
  
Naste crumpled the note into a ball and threw it to the ground. The Troopers all looked at each other. They had to admit that this was the most evil thing the Masho had done yet. It was even worse than the murder of the professor.  
"Damn," Ryo whispered. (Yuli had been beaten unconscious and he did not want to wake him up.) "What are we going to do?"  
The Troopers shrugged. They needed a plan and they needed one fast.  
  
The Masho were also in a quandary.  
"But Master Arago, now that Yuli is in place we don't need to go fight them!"  
"Silence! One of you must go destroy them while they are stunned by the presence of Yuli!"  
"Yuli will destroy them without our help. We'll only get in the way."  
"NO! I am going to give you all half an hour, you hear me, half an hour to decide who will go. And when I come back, you had better chosen someone!"  
"Yes Master Arago."  
Arago disappeared. The Masho went to Rajura's room because there was stuff to throw at each other in there.  
"So who's going to go?"  
There was a chorus of 'Not me.' Naaza chucked a lamp at Shuten. "Shuten, you always want to go. So go!" Shuten ducked. "With Yuli out there?! I think not!" A vase flew across the room.  
"Someone just do it!"  
"Yeah, why don't you!"  
And it went on until Shuten thought of a wonderful way of persuasion. Shuten smiled and walked over to Rajura.  
"Why don't you go and fight?"  
"Because I don't have a death wish."  
Rajura was painfully aware of how close Shuten was to him.  
"Would you do it for me?"  
"What?"  
Shuten put his arms around his neck. "Would you do it for me?"  
"I-I don't."  
"You know you would."  
Naaza and Anubis watched, fascinated. Shuten was doing one hell of a job. They knew that he would be able to "persuade" Rajura to do damn near anything. Both of them were silently cheering him on. They didn't want to be the ones who had to face Yuli Rajura edged back from Shuten. "You're not going to get me to go out there."  
Shuten smiled. Wanna bet? I know I can get you to. "How much would it take to get you to?"  
"I'm not going!"  
Shuten sighed and turned his back on Rajura. Damn him! Do I need to take drastic measures? Wait, Yuli's out there. This does call for something drastic!  
"Kso! We only have five minutes!"  
"Aragosama will be pretty pissed."  
"Why? Rajura's going to go."  
The other three Masho stared at Shuten. Shuten smiled.  
"Uh, Shuten I don't recall agreeing to this."  
"Fine then. Let me refresh your memory."  
Shuten kissed Rajura.  
"If tonight I spend the night in your room and do whatever you want, then will you remember!"  
Rajura nodded. Five minutes later, he was off to destroy the Samurai Troopers.  
Shuten turned to the others.  
"So, what do you think?"  
"That was one hell of a performance, Shuten. One hell of a performance."  
"Yeah, the poor bastard didn't have a chance."  
Shuten laughed. "You two owe me big time." Somehow the night always seemed scarier when Yuli was around. Naste noticed a change in the Trooper's spirits. It was a lot harder for them to be happy now. Right then, they were discussing strategy.  
"So, our goal is to get rid of Yuli."  
"And defeat Arago!"  
"Oh, right. That too. But our first priority is to remove Yuli."  
The Troopers nodded.  
"Any suggestions how?"  
Silence. Shu pensively munched on a hamburger. Seiji brushed his hair. Toma solved a calculus problem. Byauken blinked. Lightning flashed dramatically and the Troopers heard the background music change to a very familiar tune.  
IT WAS ONE OF THE MASHO  
* GASP*  
  
IT WAS NOT RAJURA!  
  
* GASP*  
IT WAS PRETTY BOY SHUTEN DOUJI!  
Naste and Jun screamed and hid behind Ryo. Yuli ran and screamed too, but ran smack into Naste's frying pan. Naste smiled.  
"Knew that thing would come in handy."  
  
She continued to hide behind Ryo. The Troopers noticed Shuten shudder when he saw Yuli.  
"Like your present?"  
"No! And I'm going to."  
"Look, I didn't come here to argue. I have to ask you a favor."  
"What!"  
"Just listen for a minute! Rajura is going to come here any second and it is of UTMOST IMPORTANCE that you defeat him."  
The Troopers blinked.  
"Why."  
"Just because! I don't care how you do it, but he can't return to the Youjenkai until after tonight."  
"Why should we do anything for you!"  
Shuten turned around. Because I'm beautiful and talented and drop- dead sexy.  
"Because, Tenku, I know how to get rid of Yuli."  
And with that, Shuten left.  
The Troopers stood in shock.  
The damn theme music started up again.  
It was the Gen Masho. And if they defeated him, Yuli would be gone. Ryo looked at the others.  
"We can't afford to loose this battle."  
Everyone nodded. Yuli, having no idea what was going on, nodded too.  
"Go Ryo!"  
Its Ryo, not Rye-oh you little.  
And with that, Ryo charged into battle.  
  
Shuten and the others were cheering the Troopers on when they sensed someone was at the gates. A person whom they knew was definently not allowed in the Youjenkai.  
  
Kaos continued to bang on the gate. He pounded at it for two straight hours when a very pissed-off Shuten appeared outside.  
"What the hell do you think you're doing!"  
Kaos sighed. Great, It just had to be Shuten. This is going to take forever.  
"I need to speak to Arago."  
"Too bad, shit licker."  
"I didn't come to hurl obscenities, Shuten. I must speak to Arago.'  
"That's Aragosama to you, you old."  
"Did you not hear me, Shuten Douji? I HAVE TO SPEAK TO ARAGO!"  
"Well, if you're just going to yell at me, I'm not even going to consider it."  
Shuten disappeared. Kaos waited. And waited. He waited some more.  
"Still out here?"  
"Hmm, let me think about that for a minute."  
Shuten laughed. "Aragosama said to let you in, old man. Oh, excuse me, Master Kaos."  
Kaos resisted the urge to punch him and entered the Youjenkai. Shuten went back to fervently praying that Rajura would loose.  
  
"Why have you come here, Kaos?"  
"Everything is wrong!"  
"What?"  
"Everything! This is not supposed to happen!"  
"Explain yourself!"  
Kaos pulled out the script. "There is no mention of Yuli in here. He doesn't belong here and he's screwing up the whole plot! He might even change the whole outcome of the story!"  
"And?"  
"And we may still have the power to prevent this. The first step is to remove Yuli. To do this we must, I repeat must, combine forces."  
Arago laughed. "You think I'm stupid don't you?"  
You want me to answer that? "Of course not."  
Arago pondered for a while.  
"Remember, Arago, this is Yuli we're talking about."  
"I'll do it, Kaos, but only because its Yuli."  
"I understand. Oh, and you should call back Rajura before the Troopers kill him. You really chose some pathetic men, but anyways.You speak to them and I'll speak with the Troopers."  
"Alright. You can leave now, Kaos."  
  
Shuten slumped down to the floor. He had eavesdropped through the whole thing. Combine forces with THEM! And calling Rajura back.calling Rajura back? Oh, shit. This is not good, not good at all.  
  
"What do you mean Kaos? Join forces with them? They're the whole reason Yuli is here in the first place." "Not to mention they're evil." "And that they'd as soon kill us than help us out." Kaos folded his hands and regarded all the Troopers sternly. "Against Yuli we are all united." The Troopers agreed that Kaos did have a point. With their help, they might remove Yuli once and for all. And didn't Shuten say that he knew how to get rid of Yuli? "Sorry, Kaos. We understand now."  
The meeting was interrupted by a scream from Naste.  
"What is it? Are you all right?" The Troopers rushed over to her.  
"It's gone! Yuli is gone!"  
"WHAT!"  
Naste shrugged. "I just looked over and he wasn't there anymore! I searched all over and I found this."  
The Troopers picked up the note. Naste scanned it and translated it into Japanese on her computer.  
  
U Guys is mean. I'm gonna run away. Bye.  
Love Yuli.  
  
The Troopers' initial feelings were that of joy. Yuli was gone! But soon they realized that it was loose in the world, free to commit all sorts of evils. It suddenly didn't sound like such a good thing anymore. Ryo broke the silence.  
"We have to find Yuli. Who's going to go?"  
Shin sneezed. "I think feel a cold coming on."  
Shin groaned. "I, uh, broke my leg."  
Toma coughed. "I've contracted Ebola."  
Ryo rolled his eyes and looked at Seiji. "And you?"  
"Overexposure to Yuli will give me severe internal bleeding."  
Ryo sighed. "Well, this could take a while."  
  
"We're joining the Troopers to get rid of Yuli."  
"But Master Arago!"  
"No buts! Deal with it!"  
And with that, Arago left. The Masho flipped him off.  
"Hey, where's Shuten?"  
"I don't know. Probably hiding from you."  
Rajura shrugged. "His fault. He didn't have to bargain with me. I really need to find him, though. Backing out was not an option."  
"I think he hoped the Troopers would kill you."  
Rajura laughed and went to go find Shuten.  
  
Shuten was, as the other two had speculated, hiding from Rajura. He did not particularly relish the idea of spending the night with Rajura especially as he knew of his obsession with bondage and whipped cream.  
You are so stupid Shuten! Why the hell did you trade yourself for protection against Yuli?  
Well, it was Yuli.  
Even so, you're in big trouble.  
I'll hide.  
For a whole night?  
Yes! Now shut up!  
Shuten gingerly crawled along the roof. It was raining and the roof was slippery. Only a true idiot would even attempt to climb on it. And Shuten was indeed one desperate idiot. However, he soon realized that he needed to go back inside or catch hypothermia and die. He slid through one of the windows into Naaza's room.  
"Rajura's looking for you."  
"I kind of already know that."  
"He'll find you and when he does." Naaza paused to let it sink in, "Have loads of fun."  
"I hate you."  
"Then get out of my room. I'm not going to hide you."  
Shuten left and began quietly making his way down the hall.  
  
Yuli was lonely. He had replenished his stock of Band-Aids and wanted to get back to the Troopers. He also wasn't mad at them anymore. Yuli pulled out a picture of Ryo. He lowered his head to the picture. "Well, Ryo, which way?" "Okay, that way. Thanks Ryo!" Yuli skipped away, tripped, and landed face-first in a pile of doggie doo.  
  
Shuten was hiding in Rajura's room. To most, that would appear to be a very stupid idea but Shuten reasoned that as Rajura was trying to bring him here, it would be the last place he'd look. Of course, he was wrong. Rajura smiled sweetly at Shuten. "I win." Shuten scanned the room desperately for a weapon, any weapon. "Uh, I think I shouldn't be here right now." Rajura locked the door. Shuten turned pale. "Okay, I'm sure I shouldn't be here right now."  
"Too bad. You promised, Shuten."  
"And I have a feeling that I'll be regretting it very soon."  
"Oh, don't look at it in such a negative way."  
"Rape isn't negative?"  
"It doesn't have to be rape, you know. And quit trying to talk your way out of this. It won't work."  
And Shuten knew that not even the Almighty Potato King could save him.  
  
The next day.  
  
Yuli blew his nose on his Ryo doll. "Well, Ryo, I think we're lost."  
Yuli knew there was only one thing to do; bawl. And boy did he ever.  
"WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I'M LOST AND ALONE AND HUNGRY AND I GOT DOGGIE POOP ON MY FACE!"  
The picture of Ryo stayed silent.  
"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I WANT MY MOMMY! I WANT MY BINKY! I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH RYO!"  
Yuli blinked. That was unexpected.  
"Well, I do. So there!" he yelled to no one in particular.  
  
"Hey, Anubis, you seen Shuten?"  
"Nope. Its kind of hard to see someone when they've barricaded themselves in their room."  
"Oh. And Rajura?"  
"Asleep."  
"Okay."  
Naaza went down the hall and knocked on Shuten's door.  
"You alive?"  
"No. Go away."  
"You sure?"  
"Yes! Now go away!"  
"Are you sure you're sure?"  
There was silence. Naaza tried the door handle. Locked. He shrugged and kicked the door down. Shuten was on his bed, curled up in an abject ball of misery. He glared at Naaza, then buried his face in his pillows.  
"I told you to go away."  
"So?"  
"So you should."  
"Why?"  
"Go fuck Yuli!"  
"At least I didn't screw Rajura."  
That did it. Shuten punched Naaza in the face.  
"Why you-Hey, are you crying Shuten?"  
"N-no!"  
"Are you sure?"  
Shuten attempted to say yes, but his lip was quivering. He nodded instead.  
"Liar."  
Shuten nodded again, like the little overemotional sissy he was.  
  
Rajura, unlike Shuten, was having a great day. At that moment, he was playing with dolls.  
"Like, hi Courtney! This mall is totally rad."  
"Like, no duh. Barbie, this is like, so cool."  
"Like, have you seen Ken?"  
"Yeah, he is like, so hot!"  
"Totally! And like, Tommy is so fine."  
And so on and so forth. Rajura had an unhealthy love of Barbie dolls. However, he often wrote to Mattel complaining about Ken. Try as he might, Ken would never fit into Barbie's clothes. Ken's clothes were always so, so masculine. Mattel needed to produce a line of women's clothes for Ken, along with a boyfriend. And Rajura would not rest until that day came.  
After an hour or so, he got bored and went to go find Shuten.  
  
Arago summoned the Masho.  
"You are to meet with the Troopers."  
Arago paused. Weren't there four Masho?  
"Where's Shuten?"  
"Uh, he's sick."  
Rajura looked questioningly at Naaza.  
"Just go along with it!" Naaza hissed.  
"Yeah, he's sick."  
"With what?"  
"Poliomyelitis."  
"Bubonic plague."  
"Mad cow disease."  
The three Masho looked at each other. Arago did not appear convinced.  
Arago's eyes glowed, "Is he really sick?"  
"Yes. He threw up about six times."  
"Uh-huh. And he's delirious; been talking about Amish fruit bats destroying the paper towel industry."  
"Well, my dear Masho, the Troopers are coming here in an hour to discuss Yuli. That's really all. Oh, and one of you needs to keep an eye on Shuten. He is my favorite, you know."  
And with that Arago left.  
"That was close."  
"Tell me about it. Oh, and Naaza, is Shuten really sick?"  
"Not exactly. More like drugged."  
"What?"  
" I was just being nice! He's all depressed about, you know, about last night. He was crying and I made him feel better. Better than him having a mental breakdown."  
"What'd you give him?"  
"Nothing dangerous."  
"Oh, I feel so reassured."  
"Well, Rajura, it is mostly your fault."  
"Is not!"  
"Is too."  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Is not!  
"IS TOO! IS TOO! IS TOO!"  
Rajura left the room before all his dignity went down the toilet. After all, didn't Master Arago say that someone needed to check on Shuten?  
  
The Troopers were scrambling to get ready in time.  
"We only have forty-five minutes left!" Naste screamed as she ran a hairbrush through her hair.  
Shu wore a muscle T-shirt and jeans. He looked very masculine and intimidating, or so he thought. In all reality, he looked like a fat slob.  
Seiji was putting his makeup on. He put on some sour apple lip-gloss because it takes a true man to put up with that mouth-puckering flavor. Some mascara to attract attention to his eyes and then he began the task of selecting the perfect outfit.  
"Toma! Do these pants make my butt look big?"  
"Of course not. But I suggest you use the peach-colored blush; it brings out your natural beauty more than the kind you have on now."  
Toma was dressed normal, but he was wearing his glasses. He figured that he need to look very intelligent in front of the Masho. Plus, Seiji said they brought out his eyes.  
Shin wore a Save The Whales T-shirt and his lucky Save The Grasshopper underwear. He also pulled on his Save The Fish socks and his Amoebas Have Feelings Too jacket. Jun wore the same putrid outfit he did everyday. Ryo also didn't do anything special, but he walked around worrying.  
We can't wear our armor and we're going to face our sworn enemies? Somehow, this just doesn't seem right.  
The forty-five minutes were soon up and they all hopped in Naste's jeep. Somehow, defying all reason, they all fit. Naste started up the engine and sped recklessly toward the Netherworld gates.  
  
Rajura brushed his hair, all the while cursing that Master Arago had given them only an hour's notice. How was he supposed to get ready in time? He sighed; no time for makeup today. And what with those young, pretty teenage boys coming over and all. It was really too bad that Shuten was asleep and would most likely miss the whole thing.  
Naaza and Anubis really didn't care about appearance. They were more concerned with how many weapons they could hide on their bodies. You just never knew. And if one of the Troopers happened to have a little 'accident'.  
Rajura stopped by Shuten's room on his way to the audience room. Shuten was still asleep. Rajura saw the hickeys, the bruises, and the rope- burn around his wrists.Maybe he should have been a little gentler last night. He leaned down and kissed Shuten before he left.  
  
The Masho glared at the Troopers. The Troopers glared back. Kaos glared at both sides. This was getting nowhere. They just hated each other too much to cooperate.  
"About Yuli." Kaos began.  
"Damn it!" Shu shouted." I am not going to work with them! Not even to remove Yuli!"  
"Yes you will!" Kaos snapped.  
Toma stood up. "Why are we trusting them anyway?"  
"I can't work with someone who intentionally harms our animal friends!" Shin looked directly at Naaza. Naaza stuck his tongue out. "Shut up, you pansy."  
"You're not human!"  
"No shit Seiko." Naaza narrowed his reptilian eyes. "No shit."  
  
"Hey!" Naste jumped up, "You killed my grandfather!"  
Naaza nodded. Naste tackled him and began beating the crap out of him.  
"YOU KILLED MY GRANDFATHER! YOU INHUMANE LITTLE BASTARD!"  
Shin jumped in.  
"Die, animal-killer!"  
Anubis looked at Seiji. "I hate your lip-gloss."  
  
"Nobody disses my lip-gloss!"  
"I just did."  
"Then you must die!"  
"Oi! Gen Masho!"  
Rajura turned around. "Yes?"  
"I'm gonna kill you."  
"Really now, Kongo. Fat slobs are rarely the victors."  
Shu turned red. "I'm not fat."  
"Oh. Just extremely obese?"  
Shu grabbed Rajura by the throat and began to strangle him. Rajura tried to kick him, but Shu's fat protected him. The Gen Masho struggled to breathe.  
"Look.Kongo.doughnuts."  
Shu dropped him.  
"Where?"  
He turned to find that Rajura wasn't there anymore.  
Ryo and Toma watched the others fight. Ryo pulled out a marker and hurriedly scribbled on his arm. Note to self: Never get Naste angry.  
"Hey, Toma, where's Shuten at?"  
"I don't know. You'd think he'd be here."  
"Naste's pretty good at fighting."  
"Yeah."  
They watched as Naaza was flung across the room, right into a wall.  
"She would be a great women's wrestler."  
  
"Toma, most women wrestlers are supposed to be sexy."  
"True."  
Just then, Ryo received a kick in the head that sent him flying.  
Ryo blinked. The room felt like it was spinning.  
"Shuten?"  
"I hate you, Rekka."  
Kaos ran around the room, screaming at everybody to stop. He walloped people with his shakujo.  
"EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP IT!"  
"Shut up, old man!"  
Arago came in the room. It suddenly became very quiet. The Masho all did their best to look sweet and innocent. They pointed at the Troopers.  
"I think they'll listen now, Kaos."  
Arago left.  
Kaos cleared his throat. "We need to think of a plan to remove Yuli. Any suggestions? Yes, Shuten, what is it?"  
"Why do you always wear that hat? We never see your eyes. I think that's pretty creepy."  
The other Masho nodded in agreement.  
"I hardly find that revelant, Shuten. Now as I was saying."  
Naste was hit in the head with a paper airplane. She opened it and found a drawing of a stick figure dying. It was a very ugly female stick figure and at the bottom was the label, "Your Grandfather."  
She flipped Naaza off. He smiled at her. Rajura looked at Shuten, who was purposely ignoring him. Anubis and Shuten were making faces behind Kaos's back. And everyone shared the same thought; this meeting is going nowhere.  
  
Kaos began a lengthy explanation of his plan to remove Yuli. It was very complicated, very technical and involved large quantities of bananas and pastrami.  
"So that's it. Now, what do you think." Kaos looked around. Everyone had fallen asleep during his boring spiel.  
"WHY DO I PUT UP WITH YOU PEOPLE!" Kaos screamed, dancing around the room like a madman. His yelling managed to wake up several of those present.  
"Shut up, you old loony. Your plan sucked anyway."  
Kaos's face began turning various shades of red. Then, miraculously, his head blew up. Little bits of him flew all over the room. Everyone cheered. Shuten continued to ignore Rajura. A dust bunny in the corner decided to eat some Guamish fettuccini. 


	4. Everything Gets a Wee Bit Stranger

Chapter 4  
Everything Gets A Wee Bit Stranger  
  
The Troopers decided to adjourn the meeting. That night they elected to stay in the Youjenkai. The Masho agreed on the condition that Naste cleaned the bits of Kaos off the furniture and that Jun slept outside.  
  
Rajura snuck down the hall towards Shuten's room. He was going to (cough, cough) apologize to Shuten. On his way, however, he ran into Naaza.  
"What are you doing up?"  
"Nothing," Rajura said sweetly, "Nothing at all."  
"You're not trying to sneak into Shuten's room, are you?"  
"No, of course not. And what are you doing"  
Naaza smiled. "Just slipping some arsenic into the coffee pot."  
"None of us like coffee."  
"Shin, Toma, and Ryo do. And Shu will eat or drink just about anything."  
"True..."  
Rajura shivered as Naaza left. He was glad he didn't drink coffee.  
  
"Shuten, you awake?" Rajura opened the door.  
"Yes! And stay out of my room, pervert!"  
"Shuten, I'm sorry. I really am..."  
"Liar."  
"True, but it's the thought that counts."  
"Get out of my room."  
"But,"  
"NOW!"  
A lamp shattered above Rajura's head.  
"Missed me."  
"Like I couldn't notice that myself! Get the hell out of my room!"  
Rajura walked across the room, dodging the various items that Shuten threw at him.  
"Go away!"  
Rajura sat on the bed next to Shuten. Shuten backed as far away from him as he could. Rajura poked him in the arm and Shuten screamed. The Gen Masho smiled.  
"I'm not going to hurt you, Shuten."  
A pause.  
"I think."  
"Oh, how very comforting."  
"I sense some hard feelings."  
"I sense that a certain person's face will get bashed in unless they get their ass out of my room."  
"Well, somebody's in a bitchy mood."  
"I have every right to be. Get out of my room!"  
"But..."  
"Rajura, I have in my possession one of your beloved Barbie dolls. You leave now or Like Totally Liz gets it."  
"You wouldn't!" "I would, too." Rajura left.  
  
Shu was starving. He was normally hungry, but this was more than he could handle. Shu was pretty sure the Masho wouldn't want him snooping around their house, so he moved very stealthily to find the kitchen. And it worked. Everyone who was awake just thought a young elephant was wandering around the castle. Its footsteps were too light to be Shu's. "Hey! Coffee!" Shu loved coffee, especially at one in the morning. And strangely, nobody found this odd. He drained the whole coffeepot and belched. "That was great." Shu then proceeded to empty the refrigerator and the pantry. Unfortunately, he also emptied the medicine cabinet and Naaza's extensive collection of poisons. "Woah. That last bit had a real bite to it."  
  
After further searching revealed no more food, Shu was forced to start gnawing on the furniture. "My poisons..." Naaza happened to be hiding behind the staircase and witnessed the whole thing. "He ate the food, the furniture, and all my poisons." Normally, Naaza would have ran out into the kitchen and beaten the crap out of whoever did that, but it was Shu out there. Naaza wouldn't have put it past Shu to eat him too. And he did not particularly relish the idea of being eaten. He went back up the staircase and knocked on Shuten's door. "Hey kid, you've gotta come out into the kitchen." "Why?" "You're needed." There was silence. "By the way, Shuten, Rajura isn't out there." "Okay, be out in a second."  
There was the sound of roughly twenty locks being opened. Shuten peeked out. Naaza noticed that he looked very tired and pale.  
Hmm...maybe I shouldn't lead him to go get eaten by Shu. But it would be so funny! Yeah it would... Remember, Naaza, he deserves it... Okay...  
"Naaza, do I have to go?"  
  
"Yeah."  
Shuten followed Naaza towards the kitchen.  
  
"He ate the furniture."  
"Yep."  
They watched as Shu began eating the floor itself.  
"Naaza?"  
"Yeah?"  
"As I am your superior, I order you to go out and fight that thing."  
"I don't want to fight it!"  
"You think I do? I have some sense of self-preservation. And besides, you owe me from that whole Rajura business."  
"Alright."  
Shuten left. Naaza climbed back up the stairs and knocked on Anubis's door.  
"Hey, Anubis! You have to go down to the kitchen right now."  
"Why?"  
"Master Arago's orders."  
"Oh."  
Anubis went down to the kitchen. Naaza went back to his room.  
  
"Toma!"  
"What is it, Seiji?"  
"There's something bad going on in the kitchen."  
"And?"  
"And we should go down there."  
"The conflict will resolve itself, regardless of if we go down or not. We might even draw it out."  
"That's exactly my point, Toma. We could draw out the fight."  
"Oh, if you really want to, Seiji..."  
"I do."  
"Let's go."  
  
"Get the hell out of our kitchen!"  
  
Shu turned toward Anubis, his mouth full of cabinet.  
"Mmmmfff srym E jst gthngy sm..."  
Anubis looked blankly at him. Shu swallowed.  
"Well, I just get really hungry sometimes. Really, really, uncontrollably hungry."  
"That's still no excuse for destroying the whole freaking kitchen!"  
"You guys deserve it. I destroyed only your kitchen, with a good reason I might add. You people destroyed the whole city and it wasn't for survival purposes."  
"Look, fatty. The point is that you ruined our kitchen."  
"I was hungry!"  
"With all the fat you have on that body, you shouldn't be hungry for a few decades yet!"  
"You little...!"  
And that is how the Battle of the Ruined Kitchen began. It was not a famous battle but it sure was one hell of a battle. It also managed to wake up everyone in the Youjenkai, including Naste Yagyu. Everyone apart from Naaza and Shuten was involved by the time she made it down the stairs.  
"Would you all SHUT UP!" Naste screamed from the head of the stairs. Everyone turned around and froze in horror.  
"Your face..." Ryo began, but the shock of what he was seeing choked up his throat. And believe me, the sight was gruesome. Naste had dark circles under her eyes and her skin was sagging. Most of this was, however, masked by a lime green facial mask. Her hair formed a tangled halo around her head and her eyes were tinged with red. She growled. Everyone whimpered.  
"I, uh, think I lost my appetite," Shu said. (This marked the first time in history that Shu had never been hungry.)  
"I think I'm going to be sick!" Rajura ran out of the room.  
"Me too!" Seiji ran as fast as his girlish legs allowed him.  
"Wait for me, Seiji!" Toma hurried after him.  
The few remaining in the room muttered excuses and also exited posthaste. Naste stomped back to her room.  
"I hate men."  
  
Shu wasn't feeling too good. He decided it must have been something he ate, but he couldn't think of anything he ate that would give him such an awful stomachache.  
Now what did I eat today? Oh, yeah, two chickens, five pizzas, twenty Big Macs, five plates of macaroni and cheese, some eggrolls, a refrigerator, a chandelier, some poison...some poison? Aw, crap, I probably shouldn't have drank that...  
Shu ran to the nearest window and began to puke his guts out. It took several hours to empty the contents of his stomach.  
Maybe I should diet...nah... that's no fun.  
  
Yuli was scared. Normally, the night alone was scary enough to make him pee his pants, but this night he came to the horrible realization that...  
"I don't think I'm in Japan anymore."  
Yuli looked around. It was cold here and his feet, even with tennis shoes, were turning blue. He pulled out his Ryo plushie.  
"Gee, Ryo, if we're not in Japan anymore, where are we?"  
  
The plushie maintained its stony silence. However, as if it was a message from God, a sign appeared. Yuli made out "Vancouver, Canada." He noticed a small, dilapidated building within walking distance.  
"Hmm. I wonder if I can get directions back to Tokyo or, even better, Toyama. Maybe they'll at least let me use their phone."  
Yuli began walking towards the creepy building, ignoring all the "Turn Back" and "Caution: Do Not Enter" signs. He blew his nose nervously on his sleeve and pushed open the door, ignoring the most terrifying sign yet. For yes, if Yuli had read the paper on the door he would have realized he was entering Ocean View Studios.  
  
"Blarf..."  
Shu continued throwing up. After all, he did have a lot in his stomach to hurl.  
  
MOO! MEOW! PWTOING! FREEOW! POP, FIZZ, SHWING! The author bounced around her room in a desperate search for her muse. WEEOING! POTATO, OH POTATO! In an attempt to shut her up, the muse came back and it was promptly stuffed inside her bra. Hey, you gotta keep that muse close to you, you know. She continued her pathetic narration of this pathetic narrative.  
  
"Hey, anybody here?"  
Yuli peered around a corner. This place was strange, Yuli had to admit. It was full of microphones, scripts, and headsets. He came upon yet another sign, which he read.  
  
DO NOT FEED THE VOICE ACTORS  
  
"Voice actor? What's that?"  
And without a second glance, Yuli entered Ocean View Studies, home of the one (and thankfully only) Paul Spencer Dobson.  
  
It was one in the morning when Shuten came out of his room. He went down to examine what was left of the kitchen. Luckily, Shu hadn't found the secret pantry where Shuten stashed everything he didn't want the others to eat. He was pretty sure that he could live for weeks on this stash and not have to go out of his room as often. Then, he surmised, Rajura would never get him. Shuten was just about to start up to his room when he heard a knock on the door.  
Who'd be out there at this time of the morning? And how did they get through the gate? Shuten opened the door and peered out. "Uh, hello. Is anyone out there?"  
"Well, duh, somebody had to have been here to knock." Shuten eyed the person at the door warily. "If you're a salesperson, we don't want anything, thanks." He moved to close, or rather, slam the door. "I'm not a salesperson, stupid." "Oh, well I don't particularly feel like being converted now." "I'm not a missionary." "Then who are you? And what do you want with the Youjenkai?" "Let me come in and I'll explain myself. In case you haven't realized it, it's raining. A little lacking with manners, aren't you, Shuten." "How do you know my name?"  
  
"It's raining!" "Tell me first!" "No!" "Then you're not coming in!"  
  
"Then you won't know how I know you!" His curiosity took over. "Oh, well, I guess you can come in, as long as you're sure you aren't a salesperson or missionary or the likes." "I'm sure." Shuten let the non-missionary/salesperson guy in. He knew he looked familiar, but who was he? Shuten sat down on a couch in the living room; the other man did also. "So, spill it. How do you know me? I sure as heck don't remember you." "I've known you for a long time, Koma Toshitada." Crap! How'd he know my name! Better lie... "Toshitada...who's that?" "You." Shuten shook his head. "You're wrong." "Okay, let me prove it. You were born on May 5th. You hate natto and pretty much every vegetable known to man. Let's see, what else? Oh, you were born just outside of Kyoto." "Stalker! You probably just asked someone to tell you, you don't really know me!" "On your fifth birthday, you hid in the kitchen with all the rice dumplings and ate so much you puked. You brush your hair a hundred strokes every morning and every night. You led armies at the age of thirteen, and when you were twelve you began secretly dressing in drag. And when you were three, your Great Aunt Aya-" "How do you know this!" "I said, Toshitada, that I've known you for a long, long time." "Alright, you've proved you know me. But who are you?"  
  
The man just looked at him. Shuten noticed that he had very nice hair. It looked almost like he brushed it a hundred strokes everyday... The man continued to stare. "You haven't been able to guess?" "Nope." "I'm beginning to understand a lot of things. Starting with why you've worked for Arago for over four hundred years..." "And what's that supposed to mean?" "Nevermind. But anyway, you're sure you have no idea who I am?" "I've been saying that for the past five minutes!" "Seven." "What!" "You've been saying that for the past seven minutes, stupid." "Crap, you're so annoying! And you're so damn familiar! The face, the hair, the I'm-better-than-you attitude!" "You're going to feel so stupid when you figure it out..." Shuten suppressed the urge to pummel him. Think, Shuten, think! Who is he? He's known you from when you were little but he's still alive today; that should narrow it down a bit... "I need another hint." "Here's a good one; I know you like Rajura..." Shuten froze. "B-but...I..." The man smiled, "Don't deny it, I know." "But the only person who knows that is me!" "Exactly! I knew I was somewhat intelligent!" "Are you like Yuli is to Jun? Then you're...Anubis?" "No. And never, ever compare me to Yuli." "I don't understand." "Ghosts aren't confined to any time." "You're, I mean, I'm dead?" "I'm attempting to prevent it now, but yes. You die." "How?"  
  
At this point in time, the narrator thought it would be wise to check up on Yuli. Well, maybe wise wasn't the word for it but she needed to throw some action into her story and find someway to end this incredibly long dialogue between Shuten and um, Shuten.  
  
Paul Dobson spotted the Yuli before he spotted him. "Hey, kid. Whadda you say to letting me out?" Yuli spun around. This guy wasn't speaking Canadianish! Maybe he could help him get back home. "Uh, who are you?" "The coolest guy around. The smart, good-looking, exceptionally beautiful, PAUL SPENCER DOBSON!" This bit of dialogue was accompanied by a strange dance routine that tended to remind people of the Ginyu Force. Yuli blinked. "Uh, Mr.Dobson, can you help me get back to Toyama?" "Cut out the Mister crap. Call me Paul. And what's a Toyama?" "It's where I live. And Talpa is trying to take over the world and Ryo needs my help to save the world and I really, really need to get back." Paul froze. This sounded freakishly familiar. "Uh, Talpa?" "He's an evil floating head dude. He's got some Warlords and some soldiers." Talpa, Talpa, Where have I heard that before? "Paul?"  
  
"Yeah?" "Can you help me get back if I let you out?" "Well, I have a voice-acting job I'm working on, but I only have one more episode to dub. It's stupid cuz I just have two more lines. See, my character's dead." "Oh. What show are you dubbing?" "The Ronin Warriors."  
  
"And know what else, they don't even care! They just leave me lying there. I mean, is it too much to ask for a proper burial? And the only one who even cries is Jun." "Wait, Jun as in the Jun/Yuli kid?" Shuten nodded. "So let me get this straight. I turn traitor, die saving some psycho- possessed girl who wants to kill me, and nobody cries? Nobody?" "Well, you could put it that way. And, yes, to my knowledge Jun is the only one who cries. (Not including the fangirls.)" "Not even Rajura?" "No." "Anubis?" "No." "Naaza?" "Come on, Shuten, did you really need to ask that question?" "I'll take that as a no. So basically all I need to do is kill this Kayura chick?" "Don't get saved by Kaos. Oh, and you better watch out for the Youja too. And beware of Bandamon." "Well, Kaos is kind of dead." "Dead? And Arago hasn't tried to harm you yet?" "No." They both fell silent. "Well, the story line seems to have been screwed up pretty bad. We just might live. Its funny, but I fell like somewhere there's a deranged otaku on a computer controlling our every move." "That's a pretty stupid idea, even for me." "Yeah, I guess so. Take care of yourself, okay? I don't want anything to happen to me." "You're leaving?" "The sun is up in one hour. I have to." "So ghosts disappear in light like in those cheesy horror films?" "No, but I don't want any tan lines. I prefer my skin to be one solid color, you should know that." It took five minutes after he left for Shuten to realize that ghosts can't get tan lines. It's really too bad I can't tell myself that.  
  
Yuli unlocked Paul's cage. "Did you say the 'Ronin Warriors?" "Yeah. It's about this pink and blue floating head that's trying to take over the world. He's got four Warlords and the hero's this feminine boy with a black mullet. Name's Ryo, something like that." "Ryo?! Paul, is there anyway I can get transported into the tv?" "I don't think so, but after a couple of beers I can be persuaded to test that theory for you, kid." "Umm...no thanks." "So why exactly do you need to get transported into the tv?"  
Yuli thoughtfully picked his nose.  
"Well, it all started when I went with my daddy and mommy to buy a skateboard. That's when I met my soulmate..."  
  
Arago was usually never worried. However, this Yuli business was really screwing things up. For one, Kaos was dead. That wasn't supposed to happen yet. And Kaos had mentioned that other things were going horribly wrong. This was time for something drastic.  
"I must summon Kayura and Bandamon."  
(Arago usually talked out loud to himself instead of thinking quietly.)  
"This is too big a job for my Masho. I must draw upon the very powers of the Youjenkai to track down and kill this Yuli creature."  
Arago's eyes glowed. As he was just a floating head, he could only shown menace by making his eye sockets glow.  
"Masho!"  
Four very unhappy Masho appeared.  
"Master Arago, where you aware that its only 5:30 in the morning?"  
"Yes, Anubis, I was."  
"Oh."  
"It has come to my attention that- Shuten are you awake?"  
"No, not really."  
"Well, I command you to be awake and listen."  
"For how long?"  
"Five minutes."  
"Okay. I'll try."  
"It has come to my attention that you all need some help. In light of this, I have summoned the leader of the Youja, Bandamon. And I have also brought my top fighter Kayura to assist with removing Yuli."  
  
"Hey! I thought I was the top fighter!"  
Naaza snorted. "Oh, so now you're awake."  
Arago's eyes glowed again. "Shut up!"  
"Yeah, Naaza, shut up."  
"He was referring to you, dipshit."  
"AS I WAS SAYING..."  
They promptly shut up.  
"Kayura!" The four Masho waited apprehensively for this Kayura person to appear.  
  
Seiji woke up early to put on his make up. That night ranked around one of his worst. Seeing Naste in that horrible facial mask, looking at what Shu had done to the kitchen, not being able to have sex with Toma because they were at someone else's house...the list went on and on.  
"Seiji, where are you going?"  
Seiji shook his beauty bag.  
"Oh, okay."  
Toma rolled over and fell back asleep.  
  
Simone munched on her poptart and continued typing. 


End file.
